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My Strength

The first time I had surgery I was 7 years old. At that moment I wasn't fully aware of what was coming. Since then, I have had surgery ten times.

In one of my previous posts I talked about how I was born with a degenerative disease that affects my bones and joints. Small tumours grow on my bones and near my joints, affecting the mobility of my body and causing pain.

Only about 1% of the world's population have this disease, and I am one of them. It is different for each person going through it.

As very few people have this pathology, it hasn't been deeply studied. For the moment, the only available treatment is to go under the knife and to strengthen your body as much and as often as possible.

I wasn't sure whether to share this about myself.

I recently had surgery, once again, to remove some tumours on my arm and my left ankle bone.

You might think I am used to having surgery and I know what to expect at this point, but really, each surgery is completely different. As much as I try to prepare myself, there's so much I can’t control. What is important is to use the tools that I know work for me, always bearing in mind that I can't foresee everything that might happen. I can't control how long things take or the order in which I want things to take place. All I can do, is to go through it in the best possible way.

This time, I felt very emotionally fragile. I found myself somewhere new, deep within myself. I felt I was in a bottomless pit where all my emotions and everything around me materialised throughout my body. I felt very scared about the future too, the recovery period and whether or not I would be able to go through any more surgeries in the future. It's interesting, isn't it? I hadn't even finished recovering and I was already thinking about the future. I felt completely overwhelmed.

It was hard for me, but I learnt that what I had seen as a "weakness" was actually a profound feeling of awareness and a limitless sensitivity. The more I felt, the more sensitive I was... It wasn't just about escaping my feelings, it was about learning how to manage them and seeing them as an strength, not as a weakness.

It's been over two months since my surgery and, although it has been hard, this experience is now a part of me and my sexuality. It's been about how I relate to myself, how I take care of my body and my scars and how I listen to them and how I love them.

It has also reminded me of my resilience and how strong I am.

I have spent my life learning to trust myself, to trust my body and to trust my willingness to improve. In order to do this I have to know myself better.

Of course, I have to remember that what happens to me is not more important than what happens to other people. I must value what is mine and what I have gone through, but it doesn't make it better or more important than what other people are experiencing.

Everybody who is going through something and how they experience it is important.

Everybody's experiences are different and they are all just as valuable.

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