Since I started working my sexuality, I have been full of contradictions. I have questioned many of the decisions I have taken along the way, often doubting whether I was doing it right or wrong. Also, being focused on my sexuality, I often connect with situations that take me out of my comfort zone.
I was already a very sexually open person from a very young age, and I wanted to discover and experience new things, but I did not know how to manage my sexuality well at that time. I thought that everything was simpler and I let myself be carried too much by other people, entering manipulation games.
They made me believe that being sexual was being open to all kinds of proposals and if you said no, I would be out of the game. I was very wrong and not because of having relationships with other people, but because those people were toxic and took advantage of me.
Do you know how many times I've felt guilty for feeling pleasure?
Do you know how many times they have tried to manipulate me (or have managed to do so) just because I have no obstacles to talk about sexuality?
Do you know how many times I've had sex to someone automatically without feeling anything at all?
Do you know how many times people have thought they were better than me because I was more sexually uninhibited than them? How often do you think those same people have come to me hoping to find that same lack of inhibition?
And those who believe that sex is an invitation to enter your private life and believe they have the right to invade your privacy?
What about people who like you just as you are but end up asking you to change to adapt to their own insecurities?
I realized that all these behaviors are toxic and eliminating them was a challenge. Being a sexually open person is associated with being open to all kinds of sexual practices, but it is not true. It has nothing to do with agreeing to have sex with every single person that asks you. Just as it doesn't have to do with being at the service of the other person. Being a sexually open person makes you more aware about sexuality as a general concept. You can better understand someone's sexual preferences. You wouldn't judge them and you wouldn't let them judge yours. Discovering this was quite a liberation for me. Until that moment I judged myself often and it really hurt. I managed to do this by working with myself on my own sexual liberation.
Liberating myself sexually means I have to constantly shake off beliefs imposed by the education I was given as well as people around me. It means having the power to choose for myself what's best for myself. Because I need to connect with myself and I do that by knowing my tastes and desires. If other people impose on me what I have to like, what I have to feel pleasure with and what I have to fantasize about, I could never connect well with my essence. Because imposition leads me to exigency and exigency to dissatisfaction. Dissatisfaction leads me to frustration and this to pain.
t isn't an easy path for me. In order to find what I connect with I have to deal with many social and personal beliefs. I often have doubts and question myself, however, I have learnt that this is part of the process and I mustn't judge myself for what I have experienced or felt.
Liberating oneself sexually is something that never really ends. At least for me, it will always be a part of my life. This is the path I have chosen. It might not be an easy one but it definitely helps me feel better and happier with myself and enjoy and share my sexuality unapologetically with whomever I choose.